Confidence tools

Confidence is being open to connection. It includes openness to intimacy, acknowledging and allowing my real self and accepting my truth. I honour my strengths and weaknesses and I build courage to share my heart. It also includes calmly and assertively communicating my needs, despite pushbacks and challenges.

1. I focus on non-ego needs and wishes and I let go of narrow, ego-based wants.
2. I dismantle the fear of intimacy, e.g., taking the measured risk to share something personal in a trusting relationship for the possibility of greater connection.
3. I notice when I make myself ‘small’ so that the other person feels more secure: I explore reasons why, I ground myself when needed (e.g., feet on ground) and practise self-compassion (e.g., soothing touch).
4. I listen to the wisdom of my body in social situations:
   • I check in with myself (tension or relaxation, positive or negative feeling) and the other person (positive or negative response, harmony or disharmony).
   • I stay if the interaction leads to a conversation (openness, goodwill, mutual learning) or I leave if it leads to an argument (lack of wisdom and love, negative effect on mood).
   • I enjoy the quality of the conversation if it continues to be fruitful.
   • I gratefully stay connected to those I have quality conversations with.
5. I am mindful not to overshare with those outside my inner circle if I don’t feel comfortable, e.g., I can say “I can’t make it due to personal reasons” or “I’m working on a personal project”. And I only speak of very private matters on a ‘need to know’ basis.
6. I use visualisation in preparing for important moments, e.g., imagining how a conversation or event will go brings a sense of stability and trust. Imagining different outcomes – paying attention to physical sensations and feelings – may also reveal a better course of action, e.g., whether or not to discuss a particular topic.
7. I accept my frustration or anger if someone physically or emotionally invades my space: I can say “Back off”, leave the situation, practise self-compassion (e.g., using a mantra such as “Gently, kindly, lovingly”), reach out for help if needed, let my feelings settle in their own time, and be proud of myself for asserting my needs.
8. I remain grounded and aware of the other person’s needs after I experience a period of deep joy. I am patient with myself and am open to establishing a reciprocal (back and forth) relationship, aware that the other person may have different feelings.
9. I say “This is your stuff, not mine” to myself if someone in my inner circle reacts to my newfound confidence.
10. I calm the forces that come my way:
    • I replace a foundation stone with a new one if it gives me a greater sense of goodness and purpose, e.g., choosing a vocation that brings me peace rather than dryness.
    • I don’t add to gales that whirl and shake my house, e.g., it’s best not to speak to someone who has only negative opinions on an issue when I see things differently. I let the gale pass by.
    • I prevent the floods or rising anxiety by preparing for events well in advance: letting go of perfectionism and giving myself permission to do a ‘good enough’ job. I go with the flow.
    • I turn away from the pelting rain, e.g., letting go of people’s views on how I should live my life. Happiness comes from within.