Open to surprises

People who I respect commented on my improved state of wellbeing and sensed a new energy within me.

I am no stranger to changes and challenges in mood, having lived with a mental health ‘condition’ for about ten years. At the same time, I like to think that a Spirit of love, compassion, kindness and truth has permeated my varied experiences – from depression and low mood to elation and groundlessness along with an intolerance for the ordinary emotions of life.

Two surprises have shifted things in a positive direction over the last few months. The first came from Dr Khan, a consultant psychiatrist at my local mental health service. He blasted me with tough love when he heard of my symptom of low mood, feeling three on a scale of ten a lot of the time. He said, “You should be married with a family, have a fulfilling job, and experience meaning and purpose in life.”

Dr Khan suggested that I change medication as he thought one particular tablet kept me feeling low and often lifeless. I felt a little shocked by his ‘in-your-face’ approach, thanked him and said I’d do a little research on the proposed medication. A month later, I decided to go with his suggestions thinking that the possible benefit of better mood outweighed the possible side effects.

A thrilling quest

The following three months involved a challenging quest to find more life within me. I initially felt the thrilling effects of a change in medication which included sharper cognition, motivation, greater engagement with people, happy, joyful and more.

However, a lack of sleep surfaced as a downside of the medication changes – finding myself awake lying in bed a lot of the time – but I figured the overwhelming positive shift made it all worth it. I discovered what appeared to be a good combination of medication which was very timely as I started a university course and placement soon afterwards.

I met with Dr Khan for another appointment and he said I looked great – relaxed, in good mood, enjoying life as a student, and experiencing positive interactions with friends. He acknowledged that my lack of sleep was a problem, but he advised me to think more positively around it, to focus more on the good things.

Night rise

At this time, a second surprise came into my life! It was through my 89-year-old friend Peter who is a gardener and a wonderful spiritual teacher. Hearing of how I still struggled with my sleep, he suggested that I push myself to get up in the middle of the night to pray. And to go back to bed when I feel tired. “That sounds really tough!” I thought to myself, “And I wonder what Dr Khan would think!”

However, Peter commented that this was a common practice of a well-known retreat called the Spiritual Exercises and that he practised it himself when experiencing a lack of sleep a couple of times per month.

The alternative point of view intrigued me. I thought to myself, “Perhaps this is a chance to accept my circumstances and to grow in my spiritual life.” Peter affirmed my intentions, saying “Life isn’t so much about enduring, it’s more about living and thriving!”

I went with his suggestion and have meditated in the darkness of the night on several occasions. I read a short reflection, acknowledge my feelings, and tune into a wiser compassionate presence within.

Notably, I often don’t need to rise at night due to sleeping through without major difficulty. Perhaps the very fact of having a ‘contemplative’ option has freed up my worries considerably.

Deeply grateful

Right now, I feel deeply satisfied as I look back on the recent unpredictable changes and challenges. I am content with overall better mood and a monk-like spiritual practice that enriches my heart.

I am thankful to both Dr Khan (You can with Dr Khan!) and my friend Peter (a legend!) who drew from their own expertise to offer me something ‘more’. I see it as an example of how modern and contemplative ways can enrich my life.

I still live with mental health challenges and what some people like to call ‘bipolar’. I am still vulnerable to depression and groundlessness, and I need to stand at attention to respond swiftly and wisely.

But I also acknowledge a Spirit that guides me, nourishes me and gives me life. A Spirit that moves me to declare:

Life is very exciting! A joyful acclamation, a wonderful thing, a cooperation with the wisest force of nature, a soulful expression of heart, a can-do-anything attitude, a beautiful existence!